I have a dream sometimes
It’s not a bad one, per se, it just makes me nostalgic for the past.
I’m sitting on my old, strange, Jetsons-styled couch with my ex, talking about our lives, past and present, strange, introspective things, different every time. Sometimes these things are so vague and metaphorical, they sound like nonsense. At a lull in the conversation, she suddenly gets up and leaves the room.
After a moment, she returns, all dolled up; her red hair (my favorite of the many colors she dyed it) perfectly done, her lips a bright cherry red, her eyes framed by a faint, but bright, shade of blue. She’s always wearing a certain outfit, a sheer, patterned, off-white long sleeve shirt, and tight black shorts. Basically, it’s how she looked whenever she wanted to…get my attention.
She stands there for a moment in her getup, and neither of us say anything. She breaks the silence after a moment, and simply says “It’s okay.” I ask if this is really it, and she calmly nods and smiles before walking out of the room again. Usually when I stand up to follow her, I wake up.
I don’t wake up to a feeling of hurt or longing, more a reassurance of the finality of the direction my life has pointed itself in. I spent the better part of two years preparing myself for the prospect of a marriage and a life with one person, only to have the rug pulled out from under me and that person suddenly turn into a ghost in the context of our lives together. I was thrust into a new life I wasn’t entirely prepared for, one that I’ve admittedly done a pretty damn good job of adjusting to. It’s been a long, painful road, but I finally have some idea where it’s going.
I’m no longer sore, but I still catch myself glancing behind me from time to time, if only for a second.
